I Won’t Take Sides

I have been a puddle of tears and a huge ball of anxiety the last few days. Longer than that, really. Why? Because people that I love are fighting with each other.

I am a peacemaker. My whole life, I have wanted people to be happy and cared for. When I was in preschool, the teachers called me “little mommy” and I would greet new students and show them around.

What is the most generous assumption you can make about this person's intentions or what this person said?

I hate it when people fight. I also hate conflict. So even though I often dread it, I want to help mediate disputes. I just want everyone to get along.

For those of you who understand astrology, I have a Pisces sun, and Libra moon and rising. For those that don’t follow astrology, I seek oneness, I feel things very deeply, and I can see all sides of an issue. (I also have a terrible time making decisions, because I can see the pros and cons of all the choices.)

In any conflict, no one is completely at fault. Neither is anyone entirely blameless. It takes two (or more) to have a conflict. And when feelings have been hurt, it can be difficult to see the other person’s perspective.

When we are hurting, we often assume the worst intentions of the other person. “They deliberately did that to hurt me more!” We tell stories, in our heads or out loud to other people, that make the other person the bad guy. And I admit, I do this when I am upset.

When I am calm, though, I tend to assume the best of people, and take them at face value.

“What is the hypothesis of generosity? What is the most generous assumption you can make about this person’s intentions or what this person said?”

Jean Kantambu Latting, quoted from Rising Strong by Brené Brown, p 122

It is this assumption of positive intent that helps me to not take sides. I’ve navigated breakups of romantic partners and parting of friends, and managed to (mostly) keep a genial connection with both sides.

This time it is more challenging. Whole groups of people I love and care about are actively assuming the worst of other whole groups of people I love and care about. And vice versa.

What’s worse is that people on both sides are telling me they can see the truth about the other side, and I am at best innocently taken in or at worst terribly misled.

Brutal honesty: if you are wondering if I am talking about you here, I probably am.

I am upset. I am hurting. And whether you have the best intentions or think you are being helpful, tearing each other down, especially in public, is NEVER helpful.

I am not weak for believing and seeing the best in people. I am not gullible for trusting people. I am not foolish for forgiving another’s mistakes or for giving people second, or third, or tenth chances. I’m also not deluded, ignorant, or blind to faults – mine or other people’s.

My heart is wide open. And yes, that means it gets battered and bruised and taken for granted. The world I want to live in is one where people are open and honest and deal with their own issues like enlightened beings.

The world I choose to live in is one of acceptance and abundance and love, rather than fear and judgement and scarcity. So when you’re ready to join me in my world, I will be here, waiting with open arms. For ALL of you. I won’t take sides, because there are no sides to take.

Blessings,
Mary

PS. This post has nothing to do with politics, but the same applies.