First of all, thank you to all those who reached out to me last week. I appreciate your concern and connection. I am feeling better now. A lot of that is because of some uncomfortable conversations that arose at least in part because of the pain that partially prompted last week’s post. Conversations that were ultimately healing.
I posted a quote from the Dare to Lead podcast interview with Jon Meacham on my personal Facebook page that struck me particularly poignantly:
Brené Brown: What is the hard leadership lesson that you have to keep learning and unlearning and relearning in your life?
Jon Meacham: That if you are in the public eye, you can’t pick and choose how seriously people take something you say. … There is ALWAYS accountability, and people cannot, as much as you might want them to, people are not inside your brain, understanding the nuances of what you meant. … There is this machinery of perpetual conflict, and they just need any kind of fuel. And so, if you inadvertently provide fuel, then it looks as though you are part of the problem even if your intentions were not to be part of the conflict.
Dare To Lead Podcast: Brené with Jon Meacham on the Soul of America
This is a reminder, to myself, as well as others, that we cannot control how our words or actions are interpreted by others. And yet, we will be held accountable for those interpretations. How do we cope with that?
First and foremost, it’s important to ask for clarification. Ask the person directly. Start from a place of curiosity and generous assumption. Rather than accusing (how could you say/do that???), ask what the other person’s intentions are (what did you mean by that?).
Second, really listen to the other person’s perspective. You don’t have to agree with them or change your mind, however, we all have a need to be heard. Listen for the underlying need. When people are upset, most often it is because they have a need that has not been met. How can you find a win-win where EVERYONE’S needs get met?
Other points to remember:
- We all have our own unique filters and experiences through which we see the world. There is no right or wrong, only what aligns with our values. And we don’t all share the same values.
- Social media and text is not the best place to air our grievances. The written word is flat – devoid of intonation and body language that are major pieces of our communication. Being face to face in each other’s heart fields is the best way for clear communication, though even a phone call is better than text only. If you do have to communicate by text, use emojis when possible/appropriate to help convey the missing information of tone and body language.
- Knowing that you cannot control how your words will be interpreted, take a breath and consider your message before putting it out to the world. Play it through in your head, write it out and read it back, even sleep on it if you need to. Don’t hit send or jump on someone until you are calm.
In addition to the awareness that my words and actions have a much farther reach than I expect, I’ve learned a couple of other lessons.
The delivery is often more important than the message.* When I am upset, approaching someone in the middle of that storm of emotions is more likely to put them on the defensive. I’m also not as likely to be able to communicate my concerns as clearly, because the emotions get stuck in my throat.
*This doesn’t mean I can’t get angry! It also doesn’t mean I have to be nice all the time. See next point.
I can have clear, strong boundaries, and speak up right away when they are being crossed. I (and honestly, most women) have been conditioned to be “nice”. That has often meant not speaking up for fear of upsetting someone else. Instead, I get upset. I’m working on having what Brené Brown calls a “strong back, soft front, wild heart”. I’m not out to put my own feelings and needs before those of others with no exceptions. I am going to stop biting my tongue in the name of niceness.
I do not need to be the messenger. In fact, it can be actively harmful when I try. Just because I can empathize with another’s feelings and concerns does not mean I can clearly communicate those feelings and concerns. They aren’t (necessarily) mine. The teachings I follow say, “It shall be the responsibility of each to deal directly with and resolve any such frictions without involving others whenever possible.” If you bring your problem with another person to me, be prepared for me to tell you to talk to that person. That goes for me, too. I’m not going to put others in the middle either. It’s not fair to any of us.
Despite how upset I was last week at this time, I am grateful for the lessons the pain has taught me.
Blessings,
Mary