Speaking my truth has not come easily to me. I still struggle with it, in fact.
I was raised to be a “good girl” – to not talk back. I didn’t realize how deeply ingrained that teaching was. It wasn’t just my family who instilled this lesson. I also received it from teachers and peers at school and church. I grew up in a time where being told to respect your elders meant not questioning what they said.
I was also very much a nerd and a geek. I was teachers pet because I got good grades, and in elementary school all the teachers knew who I was because my grandmother was the head cook. I wasn’t good at sports and I didn’t swear or wear the latest fashions or fit in with the cool kids. And I really wanted to fit in.
Or rather, with the knowledge I have now, I wanted to belong, even as I was trying to fit in.
Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.
Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
Fitting in required me to silence my voice, my preferences, my uniqueness. I learned to go along to get along. Unlearning that is a lot harder than I would have imagined.
Many times in my life, when I am upset, or I want to correct someone, or have a different opinion than others, the words catch in my throat. It actually feels like something is stuck in my throat and I can’t get the words past it.
Deeper than the teaching to be good and not talk back is the aversion to causing another pain. I don’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings. I’d rather keep my words to myself than upset another, even if it means hurting myself.
There comes a point, though, that I can’t keep it all to myself. Sometimes I feel compelled to speak on behalf of another who is suffering.
Actually saying the words means waging an internal battle to overcome my conditioning and/or desire for belonging. Often this means rehearsing what I am going to say in my head, going through all of the possible responses and rebuttals to convince myself that I can do it. I’m so much more fierce and strong in my mind than I ever am in real life.
Sometimes silence wins. Because speaking up is scary. I could be judged, or shunned, or what I say might hurt the other person more than I intend.
Despite this, the older I get, the less worried I get about what other people think, at least other people who are not close loved ones. That doesn’t mean speaking out is any less scary. However, I know that I prefer it when people talk to me about what is going on for them as it concerns me, which means I have a responsibility to do the same for others.
This applies to personal preferences, such as what foods I like to eat or how I choose to use my down time, as much as societal issues, such as anti-racism work and environmental stewardship.
Speaking my truth is a work in progress, and it is probably going to be something I am working on for the rest of my life. I invite you to share your truth with me as well. We can practice together!
Blessings,
Mary