I’m a fraud. A hack. An impostor. I’m just making it all up as I go.
Just like everyone else.
This year I stepped into a big leadership role that I’ve been preparing to take on for years. And I still didn’t feel fully ready, even though I’ve been doing the work.
Now that I’m officially in the position, I feel like I have to go back to school. That’s why I’m reading and listening to work on racism, emotional intelligence, and leadership.
I remember when I turned 25. I was married, and had a child, and a full time managerial job. I was officially an adult. And I was freaking out because I felt completely unprepared to be in charge of my own life, even though I had been doing it successfully for years.
When I started my women’s circle, I again felt completely unprepared – thrust into leadership for lack of anyone to follow. I had SO MUCH to learn, about paganism, and ritual, and leading. And even after I had been leading and learning on my own for many years, when I joined the Aquarian Tabernacle Church of Canada, I didn’t feel ready to teach others.
When I started writing this blog to promote my guided meditations, I felt like I knew nothing about meditation, even though I had been writing meditations for years.
All of these situations were things I had been doing for years, and I was just stepping up to the next level. It didn’t (doesn’t) stop me from feeling like a fraud.
And all of these experiences, including the one in which I find myself now, pushed me to learn and to grow beyond my comfort zone. I cannot rest on my laurels, and comfortably coast to the finish line.
When you’re playing a video game, the bosses don’t get easier when you get to the next level. As your experience increases, so do the challenges you face.
I’ve leveled up, and while I don’t feel fully prepared to face the challenges before me, I know that my experiences have prepared me to learn to face them.
We’ve all experienced impostor syndrome at one time or another – that feeling like you’re the only one who knows you’re a fake, or that you don’t belong, or that you don’t deserve the recognition you are receiving. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is to just keep faking it until you become it. The more you do it, even just pretending to do it, the more you become it.
Check out this TED talk that explains it so much better than I can:
You can do it! And so can I.
Blessings,
Mary