I Don’t Want to Jinx It…

I don’t want to jinx myself. I’m a little nervous even bringing it up. I think I just might be beginning to feel better.

fingers crossed

I even sang “Laundry Day” to myself while doing laundry yesterday!

I’ve had an upsurge in energy. I went for walks twice this week. It would have been more if it weren’t so stormy. I haven’t wanted to exercise in weeks.

I’ve worked on sewing projects. I’ve actually completed one, and made progress on another one that has been on my agenda since the end of January.

I’m getting energy back. For the first time in ages I’m starting to make plans for farther ahead than my next medical appointment.

My meditation practice has been more on than off. And trust me, it was off for longer than I would like.

I don’t know if it is the combination of supplements that I have been taking, or the amazing acupuncture treatment that I had that released a ton of stuck energy, or that it is spring, or that I have simply finally had enough time for things to shift.

I’m ready for a shift. I’ve been in limbo for months. No, that’s not right. I’ve been in limbo and just getting by for more than a year. The last few months I’ve really been working on surrendering and not having any attachments to any particular outcome. Every time I’ve thought that I knew what was going on or what was going to happen, something changed, and I was back to uncertainty.

I feel like I’m starting to get my power back. By power I mean personal power, self confidence. It’s still a bit tenuous, and needs some care and protection. I’m not quite ready to take on the whole world. Yet. Baby steps.

I’m continuing to trust in the Universe, trust that the Universe is supporting me. And trust that this upward swing is going to continue. Fingers crossed.

Blessings,

Mary

I Surrender (Again…)

Last week I wrote about a message I received from my guides, about getting serious with my daily practice – meditation, grounding, and connecting.

The other message I received from them was about surrendering, letting go of control. (This isn’t an issue for me, I don’t know what your talking about… just don’t go read about the last time I surrendered, or the post about letting it go, or…)

OK, fine. I’m a control freak. I like to know what’s going on. I like to be in control. I like to have a plan.

Trust in the Universe, trust in the Divine Plan, say my guides.

I can’t, I say. I have three children to take care of. I need to know that I will be able to house and feed them.

Trust.

I’m afraid.

RobinWoodTarot-FourofPentaclesAt Hekate’s Sickle, at one of the rituals, we had an opportunity to draw a tarot card. I was hoping for a positive card, something that would show things looking up, changes coming. I drew the Four of Pentacles, also known as the miser card. It’s not the happiest card, but the message was clear.

By holding on so tightly, by needing to be in control, I’m not allowing myself to enjoy life. And chances are good, I may end up losing it all.

It sums up exactly what I’m feeling. Security is important to me. However, being a control freak isn’t serving me.

The nice thing about tarot is that it is a snapshot of where you are. You have free will, so you can change your future.

I surrender, God/Goddess/Universe. You have a higher vantage point than I do. Please guide me in the direction of my highest good and the highest good of all.

Surrender is not something I can do once. It is a choice I have to continue making, each day and each moment. It’s not always an easy choice, and I’m working on choosing it more often.

Blessings,

Mary

Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho…

It’s back to work I go.

Heigh HoI’ve been (mostly) off work for the past 6 weeks. I say mostly because I have had one shift a week, and some Union things to deal with. I can’t believe it is over already. Today I am back to full time hours.

This summer has been a contrast from previous layoffs. Previous summers were marked by me freaking out about how we were going to make ends meet, and trying to squeak the most out of every penny.

I’ve been a lot more relaxed this summer, for a few different reasons. Part of it is likely that we’ve survived twice now. And yes, there were some rough spots, and we got through them. Part of it is that I opted not to apply for Employment Insurance this summer, due to several circumstances. So I wasn’t having to look over my shoulder and make sure I was dancing to all of their rules and regulations.

A big part of it, though, is that I looked ahead, and started reading tarot at the Pier Street Farmer’s Market back in May. And I will probably continue until it ends in September.

The tarot reading has been much more successful than I expected. I was worried that I wouldn’t make enough on my own to cover my expenses for the booth, so I enlisted the help of a friend so we could split the costs. I needn’t have worried. It’s been doing great – and I have a tarot party coming up!

So while I have still been mindful about how I am allocating my resources, I’ve also been a lot more relaxed about it.

I’ve also accomplished most of what I wanted to achieve while I was off work. I wrote a new course that I will be teaching at the Woolston-Steen Theological Seminary. I made another sweater coat, and I’m working on a third. I have material for more. I enjoyed time with my parents while they were out visiting. And I’ve spent some time with my husband and children.

I tell people all the time to trust the Universe and it will provide. This summer has been living proof of that for me, and I am abundantly grateful.

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU UNIVERSE!

Blessings,

Mary

Learning to Trust

Not long ago, I would have said I am pretty trusting. I tend to take people at face value, until and unless they prove me wrong.

Learning to TrustIn one of my classes, we were given an assignment to visualize how different our lives would be if we had complete trust in the Universe. Let’s just say that visualization painted a vastly different picture of life than the one I am currently living.

As I meditated on the idea of living in perfect love and perfect trust, I came to the realization that I try too hard to control situations and outcomes. I have a strong need for security, and that comes out as controlling, plotting and planning. And worrying. Lots of worrying.

Then Goddess reminded me that She’s got it covered. My job is to ask and visualize the result. It is not my job to figure out the how. My job is to trust Deity and take the inspired actions that come from listening with trust. It is not my job to plan out all the minute details and possible outcomes.

It was a lot easier to come to the realization than it was to implement. Just meditating on it in the morning wasn’t enough. I wrote the word “Trust” on the inside of my left wrist so I could see it throughout the day and be reminded of what Goddess had told me. I renew the ink regularly.

That one small reminder has made a big difference. There is a lot of stress and change at work right now. It’s one place where I have been expending a ton of energy worrying and planning (trying to control the outcome). Now I actually catch myself in the worry, and I let it go right there. I remind myself that Goddess has my back, and I ask that everything work out in my highest good and in the highest good of all.

Nothing has actually changed at work. It is still stressful, and I still find myself getting frustrated at times. But my reaction to it has changed. I remember to trust in Deity, and that’s a whole lot less draining.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s still a work in progress. I think that writing is going to be on my wrist for a while. And progress is still amazing!

Do you trust the Universe – the Divine? How do you stay on track?

Blessings,

Mary