Children Grow Up

This weekend my eldest son went camping with his friends. On their own. For the whole (long) weekend.

This is a test of motherhood.

Children Grow UpI’m very blessed that we share a pretty strong connection. We’ve been able to talk about the important moments in his life thus far.

Keeping that connection requires a lot of trust, and a lack of judgment. I have to be open and not freak out when he shares his choices with me, whether I agree with them or not.

When my boys were young, I did a lot of reading, trying to figure out what it meant to be a good parent. I wanted my boys to grow up to be strong and independent. I wanted them to be able to think for themselves, make their own decisions.

That meant some non-mainstream choices, and some challenging parenting moments. My mantra was, “Independence is a good thing when they grow up. Independence is a good thing when they grow up!”

Now that he is almost 17, I have to accept the consequences of my earlier actions. 🙂

He has become a strong and independent young man. And yet he remains respectful and responsible.

He planned the camping trip with his friends, and packed everything himself. He bought all of his own food for the trip with money he earned from his part-time job.

I admit, I shed a few tears as my husband drove him out to the woods. Not because I was worried about what he and his friends would do unsupervised for a whole weekend – I trust him. I cried because it’s time to let go of my baby.

In just over a year, he’ll be graduating high school, and then he’ll be off to live his own life.

I hope that I have done my job well and prepared him for life. And I hope that I will be able to continue the close relationship we have had thus far. Either way, I have to admit, he’s grown up. And I couldn’t be more proud.




I Surrender (Again…)

Last week I wrote about a message I received from my guides, about getting serious with my daily practice – meditation, grounding, and connecting.

The other message I received from them was about surrendering, letting go of control. (This isn’t an issue for me, I don’t know what your talking about… just don’t go read about the last time I surrendered, or the post about letting it go, or…)

OK, fine. I’m a control freak. I like to know what’s going on. I like to be in control. I like to have a plan.

Trust in the Universe, trust in the Divine Plan, say my guides.

I can’t, I say. I have three children to take care of. I need to know that I will be able to house and feed them.


I’m afraid.

RobinWoodTarot-FourofPentaclesAt Hekate’s Sickle, at one of the rituals, we had an opportunity to draw a tarot card. I was hoping for a positive card, something that would show things looking up, changes coming. I drew the Four of Pentacles, also known as the miser card. It’s not the happiest card, but the message was clear.

By holding on so tightly, by needing to be in control, I’m not allowing myself to enjoy life. And chances are good, I may end up losing it all.

It sums up exactly what I’m feeling. Security is important to me. However, being a control freak isn’t serving me.

The nice thing about tarot is that it is a snapshot of where you are. You have free will, so you can change your future.

I surrender, God/Goddess/Universe. You have a higher vantage point than I do. Please guide me in the direction of my highest good and the highest good of all.

Surrender is not something I can do once. It is a choice I have to continue making, each day and each moment. It’s not always an easy choice, and I’m working on choosing it more often.



Mourning a Masterpiece

We’re in the process of downsizing. We’ll be moving in a few months, so we’re starting the process of getting rid of things now.

Elizabethan DressLast week, my husband listed a lot of things on eBay. I had gone through the costume closet (yes, I have a closet just for costumes) and pulled out several items I was ready to let go of. Or so I thought.

One costume was an Elizabethan style dress with a fully boned built in corset. I was ready to let it go because I thought I had outgrown it. Turns out, with the weight I have lost lately, I fit it again, as I discovered when I put it on to model for the pictures for eBay.

I said to my husband then, that if this dress didn’t sell, I wouldn’t be sad. In hindsight, I would have been better off had I given more attention to that feeling. We listed it, and all the other costumes, at ridiculously low starting bids, hoping they would get attention. So when my dress did get one bid, I felt terrible.

I was so much more attached to this dress than I thought. I made it 13 years ago, and I earned the fabric by doing some sewing for a friend. She didn’t think the two fabrics would o together, but I insisted, and I love the result. I worked on it for a few months, and put a lot of effort into it, including cutting and filing the metal boning backstage during a show I was working on. I had never made a corset dress before, and it turned out really well. I even won an award for best costume at a Sci-Fi Convention later that year, narrowly beating a friend of mine who is also a skilled seamstress.

With the help of my coach, I realized that this dress is one of my masterpieces. It shows my skill at sewing, my creative vision in moving from concept to finished product, and my eye for detail. And, darn it, it looks good on me!

Now I am packing it up to ship it off to someone I don’t know, for a fraction of the material cost.

Logically, I know that I could make another dress. I still have the pattern. And, of course, I have the skill. Emotionally, however, I am mourning the loss of my masterpiece. Spiritually, I know that letting go of one thing often opens up space for more and better to move in. So I allow myself to sit with this grief, even if it seems silly, and hold the vision that something better is on it’s way to me.

Reflecting back, it’s not letting go of the dress that I mourn so much as how little I valued my work.



Autumn Declutter

I know a lot of people go in for spring cleaning – they like to start the spring with a fresh start.  I find myself right now doing a lot of autumn cleaning an decluttering.

To me, in the spring, I am starting to spend more time outside.  I’ve been cooped up in the house all winter, and the last thing I want to do is spend a warm spring day inside cleaning out all my junk.

De-clutter Mind MapIn the fall, however, the weather is not as nice, and the days are getting shorter. Very soon I’m going to be cooped up in my house again, so now is the perfect time to move out all the things I no longer use.

Another bonus about clearing out the clutter is that it makes room for more and better things to come into my life. I’m the kind of person that tends to hang on to something because I might need it “someday”. It’s something I’ve been working on-releasing what is not necessary. Because it really sends the wrong message to the Universe. Instead of showing the Universe that I have faith in its abundance, holding on to something for “someday” sends the message that I don’t trust that I will have the resources to acquire that something later if i let it go now.

This letting go process has definitely been one of baby steps. In high school, I kept all of my homework and assignments, just in case I needed to reference it for something. I threw most of that out when I moved to college, but there was a lot of other stuff I kept. Each time I go through a clearing, a little more goes out the door. And most of the time, I find I didn’t really need it anyway! And I feel a little more free from the attachments to all those things.

Baby steps are good. They mean I am making progress.And the cleaning out becomes a meditation itself, practicing detachment.

“Detachment is a plant of slow growth; if you pluck the tender plant to look for the pods, you will be disappointed.” ~Sri Sathya Sai Baba

Whether it is cleaning out your closet, or cleaning out your inbox, how are you letting go of things you no longer need?



PS. Please come out and visit me at The ONE: A Spiritual Event if you are anywhere near Parksville, BC!