Bittersweet SMF(ony)

Cause it’s a bittersweet symphony this life ~The Verve

Just over a week ago was the Lammas Monologues at the Aquarian Tabernacle Church (#GODCON). This event is an opportunity to honor the Gods by showing off our talents, particularly the talents of invoking. It is also (essentially) the auditions for the festivals that the ATC puts on.

Demeter and KoreAnd this year was the first year I have attended and not presented a monologue. I’m feeling a little conflicted.

On the one hand, it was so amazing to get to watch everyone else strut their stuff. We have some amazingly talented people in our Church! And I didn’t have to come up with a costume, or worry about what I was going to say, or deal with performance anxiety. It was awesome!

On the other hand, I actually enjoy performing – the rush, the audience reaction, and being the center of attention for just a short time. I even received a message in my morning meditation while I was there, and had no way to really share it. Talk about bittersweet.

And… I chose this. Last year took a lot out of me. I pushed myself to exhaustion. I know I need a break. I also know that other people need the opportunity to shine, to learn these lessons and mysteries and step into their own power. So why am I sad?

I’m not even fully stepping away from Spring Mysteries. I’m still the ritual director, which means I still have to go to rehearsals, and I’m very much involved. It will be easier to focus on directing when I am not also playing a role. I can work on liaising with the technical crew. I don’t have to memorize any lines.

Logically, it is a great choice. It makes a ton of sense. Yet my heart is still a little heavy. Performing and invoking facilitating ritual experiences for people is like a drug. I want more.

I’ll still be doing some of that. And I will get to witness and experience the Mysteries in a way I haven’t for seven years.

Will you join me at Spring Mysteries? And Hekate’s Sickle Festival?

Blessings,

Mary

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