Monthly Archives: August 2018

Healer, Heal Thyself

Some of you may be familiar with “Spoon Theory“. In short, spoon theory says that when you live with a disability, you have a limited number of spoons, or energy to do things, each day. Some days, you have more, other days less. Some days you end up overextending and borrowing from the next day.

burning matchesThen I heard about matchstick theory. It resonated so much more with me than spoon theory. And lately, I’ve been burning my matches a lot. And fast.

It’s bringing up quite a conundrum for me. On the one hand, I was in a car accident when I was young, and I have lived with chronic pain ever since. A lot of the time, I can pretend like it never happened. As long as I don’t push myself too hard, that is. Even then, I don’t often know that I’ve pushed too hard until it is too late. Because when I am busy, and doing the work, I don’t notice the pain. Until I stop.

I’ve been told I’m going to have pain for the rest of my life. And when I’ve burned all my matches, and I’m in a lot of pain, that thought gets me down. I have trouble seeing past it.

On the other hand, I believe that I am capable of healing. Our bodies completely renew themselves every seven years. I believe that Jesus and Buddha and Muhammad were examples of our next stage of evolution, and that even in recent times there have been gifted individuals who have miraculous healing abilities.

I have tools like Reiki that I use regularly. I take supplements to rejuvenate my body. I stretch every day so that I can move (and I hurt more when I don’t stretch). I see a chiropractor regularly, and a massage therapist as often as I can afford one. I meditate. I clear my chakras, and envision myself healthy and whole.

And I haven’t found the magic fix yet.

There is so much societal shame around disability. We’re all supposed to be contributing members of society, working 40 hours a week to pay for food and shelter, working more to keep that shelter clean and tidy, volunteering our free time to a worthy cause, and make sure you go on dates to keep your romance alive! And if you can’t do all that, you’re lazy. For many, these standards are unattainable.

Even I can see it is unrealistic, yet I continue to push myself to do more and more, and get frustrated when I can’t do it all. There’s a part of me that is angry that I still experience pain, depressed that my body does not have the stamina it did when I was younger. I believe I can heal, so why haven’t I?

Because belief is hard to maintain in the face of pain. When my joints ache when I stand up, and it takes me a few steps to get steady on my feet; when the ache in my head has been there for days and I can’t turn my head without extra pain; when my body protests that 10,000 steps are too many; the idea of being pain-free seems like a pipe dream.

I won’t give up, though. I will keep stretching, and visualizing, and learning. And I WILL heal.

Blessings,

Mary

Whole30 Here We Go Again

I’ve been wanting to give up sugar again for a while. It’s the one thing I really struggle with. I even manage to go for a few days every once in a while, and I feel really good, and then I just can’t find the willpower to say no to that chai frappe or piece of chocolate.

Whole30 ChallengeI taught a Reiki Level 1 class this weekend. Part of the process is an attunement, followed by a 21-day cleanse. There’s no protocol for this cleanse. It’s very individual for each person what happens with the cleanse. I figured if I was going to be cleansing anyway, I might as well do it with intention.

This time, my son is doing it with me. It’s a bigger adjustment for him than it is for me, because really the only things I am cutting out are sugar and rice. I’ve already eliminated most of the other “no” items in the Whole30. Still, it is really wonderful to have someone here to support and be supported by.

A lot of my friends are following the keto diet. I’m really glad to see so many of them see the results they are looking for. I have a lot of resistance when it comes to keto. Every time I look into, it just doesn’t feel right for me. Part of it is because I can’t eat dairy. And yes, I know it is possible to eat keto non-dairy. However, it doesn’t feel right for me, and I have to listen to my body.

So Whole30 it is! I’m actually looking forward to seeing what this round brings me. Though I will miss the occasional Starbucks!

Blessings,

Mary

Bittersweet SMF(ony)

Cause it’s a bittersweet symphony this life ~The Verve

Just over a week ago was the Lammas Monologues at the Aquarian Tabernacle Church (#GODCON). This event is an opportunity to honor the Gods by showing off our talents, particularly the talents of invoking. It is also (essentially) the auditions for the festivals that the ATC puts on.

Demeter and KoreAnd this year was the first year I have attended and not presented a monologue. I’m feeling a little conflicted.

On the one hand, it was so amazing to get to watch everyone else strut their stuff. We have some amazingly talented people in our Church! And I didn’t have to come up with a costume, or worry about what I was going to say, or deal with performance anxiety. It was awesome!

On the other hand, I actually enjoy performing – the rush, the audience reaction, and being the center of attention for just a short time. I even received a message in my morning meditation while I was there, and had no way to really share it. Talk about bittersweet.

And… I chose this. Last year took a lot out of me. I pushed myself to exhaustion. I know I need a break. I also know that other people need the opportunity to shine, to learn these lessons and mysteries and step into their own power. So why am I sad?

I’m not even fully stepping away from Spring Mysteries. I’m still the ritual director, which means I still have to go to rehearsals, and I’m very much involved. It will be easier to focus on directing when I am not also playing a role. I can work on liaising with the technical crew. I don’t have to memorize any lines.

Logically, it is a great choice. It makes a ton of sense. Yet my heart is still a little heavy. Performing and invoking facilitating ritual experiences for people is like a drug. I want more.

I’ll still be doing some of that. And I will get to witness and experience the Mysteries in a way I haven’t for seven years.

Will you join me at Spring Mysteries? And Hekate’s Sickle Festival?

Blessings,

Mary