Monthly Archives: July 2015

Hecate, Torchbearer, Guide Me

Do you ever get the feeling that you’re approaching a crossroads? Like whatever you decide next will have a major impact on the shape of your life moving forward? Yeah, that.

I am (once again) off work (mostly) for the summer. Even though I’ve technically been off since the beginning of the month, because of my trip to see my family and other obligations, I only feel like my time off is starting now. It feels different, somehow, than other summers. I feel like I’m being called to make a choice.

Two cards have been coming up in my tarot readings for other people a lot lately. Not every reading, but often enough to make me notice. I was taught that when a card comes up frequently in readings, that is my lesson. Apparently my lesson is The Chariot and The Tower. Some of you are familiar with the tarot, and have your own meanings for these cards, and some of you are not at all familiar with the meanings. I’ll share what they mean to me.

The Chariot, from The Robin Wood Tarot

The Chariot, from The Robin Wood Tarot

The Chariot: I’m feeling pulled in two different directions. Both of them are things that I want, things that are important to me. However, I’m not able to make much progress with either because they are not going the same direction. It’s time for me to take the reigns, and not be led along at the mercy of others, or these conflicting desires. When the question is either/or, the answer is both. When I can get the two working in alignment, I will make progress a lot faster.

The Tower, from The Robin Wood Tarot

The Tower, from The Robin Wood Tarot

The Tower: There’s a lesson coming around again that I haven’t fully learned yet. Or that the Universe is testing me to see if I have truly learned it. It’s been around often enough that I can likely see the patterns, if I’m aware. However, it’s also been around often enough that it has the potential to turn my life upside down. Our lessons get tougher if we don’t learn them well! The Cosmic 2×4 is headed my way, so it’s time to sharpen my senses, open my mind and see this pattern for what it is – an opportunity to grow, or be forced to grow.

Other messages have made themselves known to me recently. Astrologically, Venus is retrograde right now.

When Venus is retrograde, it provides lessons in evaluating the real worth and value of people and things in our life (Taurus-Libra issues)…

It is NOT a time, however, to act upon any unfavorable awareness. It is purely a time of evaluation rather than direct action. As little frictions and disagreements crop up, they serve to remind you that the relationship is not perfect. Under the retrograde influence, you must assess the severity of the problem and the “cost-benefit” of the relationship. Only after Venus turns direct should you initiate any alienation if this is deemed necessary.

-Lynn Koiner, Venus Retrograde for 2015

And from a book I just read:

Almost every woman I know has waded right out into the river and has been overwhelmed. Almost every woman I know is too busy. She is into this, studying that, driving in a car pool to this and to that, working hard on some big project, racing around until she is ragged. She needs to be quiet, to approach the vastness of life’s responsibilities in a more orderly manner, to do one thing, take one crystal goblet at a time, concentrate on it, and do it well. Then she may move on to other things.

-Robert A. Johnson, She: Understanding Feminine Psychology

So. It is time to evaluate. Be aware, watch for patterns, pare things down.

HecateHecate, Torchbearer, shine your light brightly that I may accurately assess the options that are before me. Stand before me at the crossroads to guide me on the path that is for my highest good and the highest good of all. Help me to stay focused on the task before me, and let me not be led astray by the shiny distractions that tempt me. Hecate, grant me the key to serve my community in a healthy way. Blessed be.



In Memory of Dawn

On Wednesday morning of last week, after being delayed for two hours, our flight touched down in Minneapolis. I was tired, and looking forward to seeing my family. I turned my US phone on (I have a different phone I use while I am in the US), and sent a text message to my parents to let them know we had finally arrived. We still had to disembark and then go and pick up our rental car.

When I received the answer to my text, the whole trip changed in an instant. My parents were at my sister’s. My cousin, Dawn, had died.

Shock. Sadness. Frustration that I was stuck on the plane. Anger at my dad for being so blunt about how he broke the news. Gratitude for him not putting it off. Concern for my aunt. Disappointment that I hadn’t gotten to see Dawn again. All of it all at once.

Dawn and MaryDawn and I shared a lot, especially early on. I guess that happens when your moms are twins and share a lot themselves. They got married on the same day in the same church. Dawn and I were born seven weeks apart. We were baptized on the same day in the same church. We celebrated our first birthdays together at our grandmother’s house.

We spent many a holiday playing together at Grandma’s house. We often got matching items for Christmas – dolls, pajamas, clothing. Our grandfather called us “twin cousins”. Together we read, and re-read, (and ruined from reading) my mother’s ElfQuest graphic novels, and then spent hours pretending we were elves. My little sister was in on that last bit, too.

Dawn and I went to summer camps together, including flying to Michigan (her first flight) for a two week camp the day after my grandfather (on the other side of the family) passed away.

I remember going to her house for one of her birthdays, and staying up all night with Dawn and her friends. The next day, I was so tired, I crashed after everyone left. My aunt woke us up at dinner, and I still couldn’t keep my eyes open. It was the best!

We shared many of the same interests. One summer I went with her to her grandparents’ farm in the middle of nowhere, North Dakota. We spent the week listening to the Monkees (the one record they had that even remotely interested us), and reading through the suitcase of Sweet Valley High books that she had brought. We both enjoyed going to ValleyCon, the Minnesota Renaissance Festival, and we both enjoyed theater.

Even though we didn’t live in the same town, we could count on family gatherings to connect. And then we’d spend the whole time together. The distance grew in University, and especially when I got married and moved across the continent. But I always looked forward to seeing her.

I was looking forward to visiting her on this trip. I was planning to sit with her in the hospital and catch up. Instead, I ended up going to her funeral.

It hits really close to home because we were so close, the same age with so much in common. And I thought she was improving.

Dawn and BriannaShe leaves behind a three-year-old daughter, Brianna, who doesn’t fully understand that mommy is gone. I won’t go into that whole story here, however, Brianna needs our help. You can learn about her story here.

I love you and I miss you, Dawn.



Thank you!

Thank you to everyone who commented on last week’s blog post! I appreciate hearing from you and receiving your feedback. It’s nice to not feel alone. Mwah! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

Thank you roseAlso, thank you to everyone who has sent prayers and healing to my cousin, Dawn. She has had two surgeries this week, and is still in intensive care. Further prayers and healing are much appreciated!

On a more personal note, I’m feeling quite down right now. This is the second time I’m typing this blog post. Despite having autosaved several drafts, my computer crashed and nothing was there when I restarted. You have failed me, Internet!

In spite of being off work, I don’t feel like I’ve really had any time to rest yet. I’ve had several tarot parties, a wedding, a Reiki attunement and volunteering at MusicFest (which I didn’t get to see any of because of the other commitments, and wanting my own space).

I’ve also had several dramas unfold around me. The first drama revolved around me trying to help out a stranger.

I received a call last week from a woman who was looking for a place to camp with her three large dogs while she looked for a new place to live. Because of the fire ban, all of the forestry camping (free) is closed, so she was looking for a property to stay on while she looked for somewhere else, possibly for up to a month. She assured me she was self-sufficient. I’m pretty trusting, so I offered my yard as a place to land for a couple of days to begin her search.

I was out when she arrived on Saturday. My wonderful husband was here when she arrived, and invited herself, and her three dogs, into our home (which is pretty small for the five of us already living here, and we’re family). And asked to store meat in our freezer. And our neighbor’s freezer. And took a long shower. And informed him that she only had one set of clothes (who picks up their life to move somewhere new with no clothes?). And showed no signs of pitching a tent. And asked way too many personal questions of our children.

When I arrived, I asked if she needed help setting up her tent. I was informed that she didn’t get her tent until Tuesday (?!?) and that she was planning to use the next couple of weeks here to find another place to go (!!!). Having already been prepped to her earlier behavior by my ever-patient hubby, I told her that she would have to find a new place by noon on Monday, because we were going to visit family and had a friend coming to house-sit for us, as well as having our septic worked on. I also started setting up a tent for her because I needed my home to myself.

She proceeded to try to sway my emotions by saying that she would have to go back, and how expensive and exhausting it was to come here, and how she had thought it was a bad idea to come, but the psychics had told her it would all be good. My boundaries were up, though, and I wasn’t falling for it. I put up the tent. She then asked for a sleeping bag or blankets and an air mattress.

Thankfully, she left Sunday morning, but only after taking another long shower and using up most of our hot water. I had to ask her to please save some hot water for the rest of us. And I’m glad we have someone looking after the house while we’re away!

LESSON: Be clear about my boundaries BEFORE inviting someone to my home yard.

The second drama has been going on mostly in my head, which is almost worse.

I’ve done several tarot parties this week, and most of the response has been positive. However, there have been a couple of comments that have thrown me off. Basically, at the end of the reading, they say, “That’s it? When I had it done before… (or when I read cards…)”. The Fraud Police come in sirens blaring. And I start questioning myself – I’m not psychic. I’m not good enough. Who do I think I am reading cards for other people? It doesn’t matter that I’ve done hundreds of readings now that people have appreciated or found helpful. Nope. One criticism (or in this case, three in one week), and I’m a fraud.

So now begins the process of rebuilding my shattered self-confidence. I’m snuggling my boys, and chatting and laughing with friends. It’s amazing how much a good laugh will raise your mood! I’ll be visiting one of my mentors tomorrow. And I’ll be with my family very soon. Writing about it helps, too.



May I Ask You?

I’ve just finished reading The Art of Asking: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Let People Help by Amanda Palmer, and it was quite the interesting read. If you haven’t seen her TED talk, this will give you some context:

Now, I’m no Amanda Palmer. I know I don’t have as large a following as she does, and I’m nowhere near as active on social media as she is. And yet I’m hoping that through the almost 7 years (can you believe it’s been 7 years?!?!?) that I’ve been sharing my life and experiences with you on this blog that I’ve developed at least a small following.

Asking for helpAnd I have a couple of favors to ask.

The first is for my cousin, Dawn. She’s only seven weeks older than me, the daughter of my mom’s twin sister. We grew up fairly close, and when we were very young, our grandfather used to call us “twin cousins”. We spent hours and hours over Thanksgiving, Christmas and summer holidays, playing in our grandparents’ basement, and reading. So much reading together!

I heard this weekend that she had a stroke. She had several blood clots in her legs and in her lungs. She’s in the hospital where they are keeping an eye on her condition. Her three year old daughter has no idea what is going on, and my aunt is looking after her granddaughter while also monitoring care for her daughter.

I ask that you send your prayers and healing energy to her for a quick and full recovery.

The second request is for me. It can be very lonely out here, typing into the void. Most of the time I have no idea if anyone actually reads what I write. I know that some of you do, because I do receive comments from time to time, and the occasional email.

I feel like you probably know more about me than you would like, and I hardly know anything about you. And I’d like to!

Would you be willing to leave a comment below, or on Facebook? I’d like to know where you’re from, and maybe how you found me. (Yes, I know I can get some of that information from Google analytics, but that doesn’t actually help me get to know you.) You can even ask for something yourself – I’ll respond to your comments, so come back and check in.

I look forward to hearing from you.